Life is Full and In Between

Life is Full and In between

Life is Full and In Between – A Poem
by Ama Danesi

A full day of will and grace.
The empty tank and the ten-dollar bill
draws our eyes up to inscribe
hoops on tear-stained heavens.
The extra virgin’s cry is heard
and mine is, a tad muffled.

Unwrap life’s suffocating gift,
or stay terrified of fear.
I look into your eyes
as they close on a whisper.
Stranded in the space between the urge
to choke and letting go of self.

A finger curls up beckoning &
it will straighten in a minute to accuse.
Why do fingers span wide to accept the ring,
when only one fills the space between our hearts?
And still, you are mine. Still, we hover
between the sparkle and the dross.

 

“Release heaven by living fully on earth.” Mark Nepo.

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Why I Wanted Bangs

Why I Wanted Bangs

Why I wanted bangs

Walking out of the grocery store, out of my peripheral vision I spotted her. Cute in a mud colored shorts and white silky tie shirt, not sure what she had on her feet, but it was the hair that stopped me dead cold. She had on bangs.

She looked just like me twenty years ago. Soft fringed bangs, wispy strands caressing the side of her face, the back tied up in a pony tail and walking with her hand laced through the arm of some guy.
I wanted those bangs. Michelle-Obama-bangs even if the trend has been over for almost a year.

why I wanted bangsI know…but I wanted to relive how I felt twenty years ago when I was the carefree one, brand new staff at a huge bank, which was a miracle in itself. Learning new things everyday and finally able to pay for my hair extensions with my money and not my dad’s or a ‘gift’ from a boyfriend after a  freaky weekend.

“Now, I can’t be carefree no matter how hard I try, not with the responsibility and the blessing of a family. I can only find some measure of escape within the experiences I create and in my mind.” AD

So I walked into the WOW store on Vanowen Avenue, with my Amex card ready to do some real damage. The panoramic view of rows of hair – extensions, tracks, wigs, braids etc. made you go, “Wow!” An perfectly coiffed head does not a woman make – but we somehow we missed that lesson.

imagesWe spend at least $500 on hair extensions – some-else’s hair or much less on some synthetic, itchy mop. Who cares if it’s fake? I applaud my sisters who have evolved more than the rest of us – with cropped hair, dreadlocks or just plain natural hair. (That’s if you have kinky hair)

“Some of us work so hard over the years to get somewhere and then our hair decides it’s not coming with us!” (A joke I heard tonight from a balding man)

Well, I paid for my panacea, called a dear friend and we watched YouTube videos for directions on fixing  my bangs. Under that fringe, I was peeking from a slow side-splitting chrysalis and I felt high every time I caught a glimpse of my profile, the muted burgundy color-4 gleaming in the light. I was going through a midlife crisis and this was my drug of choice.

I was morphing into the real me, that’s what growing older does to you. I was trying new things, taking more chances, a new business, getting serious about my writing and as Brenè Brown would say, “Daring Greatly.”

I wanted my bangs – call it my helmet of salvaged youth. I wanted to be reminded about the wonder of new beginnings, that it was okay to experience false starts or stumbles on the way to finding our authentic selves and relieve hope’s innocence. Anything really, to get me through this phase of life!

Next month I will be a year older and not sure I’m ready for the miracle of a new season. Before that, I wanted my past to meet my future and say, “Hello friend, it’s so good to see you again…but as usual, you are pretty late to your party.”

I’ll be fine.

Why I wanted Bangs

Now…This is the HAIR!

Women..we kind of run this thing!

There is a severe dearth of grown-ups in homes, in politics, in the workplace..except of course, when a woman is in charge.

In American politics, we have the men, all up in the uterus, still having no clue, what goes on in there. The fact that these governors, representatives and senators safely incubated in one for about nine months, makes them no experts on womb affairs.

We should have placards, that read  “Your nine month lease has expired….Stay out!”

This November, women are gearing up for a different thing of “pushing”.

Gosh. I wish we could play back a day in the life of  “Josh”
Where did the hunk at the office or sports bar disappear to? At home, he becomes needy, wimpy, sulky…. not a good look, guys.

Sometimes, I am thankful,  I am not the needy one…I often wonder, how did I get this strong?

I look at my life, I marvel at how much I carry on these too-broad-for-a lady shoulders; the children, school issues, home budget and bills, manage the house and meals, holidays, the in-laws….and yet I can still be hushed for singing too loud in the shower or for stumping my big-boned feet too hard while dancing in the kitchen.

For the record, I am not overweight..not even chubby. I am just cute and cuddly, except in the dreaded mid-section.

Women. We are something. We really can do it all – Some of us are already making it all happen.

God has an incredible sense of humor, He made men so full of testosterone, hindering common sense and strategic thinking, intuition, life management of anything, except encased in a box or receptacle.

Most men cannot in the real sense, “think outside the box” ….they can only deal with stuff that comes with manuals, rules and protocols. So give them the corner glass office, the 60 inch screen television, cars, cuban cigars, case of cold beer, sports, stadiums, basket ball courts, bars and pool tables, Men’s warehouse etc.

If you want to see the unravelling of a man, while he is watching the NBA play-offs, just ask him to help put the baby to bed…Ha!

These days nothing surprises me..when I walk in later to check on the baby, the Mozart lullaby is loud, his teddy is still in the cot and my precious child is in shock!  Startled, not sure whether to cry his eyes out or scream, “Ridiculous!!” at the botched attempt to soothe him to sleep.Yep! Thanks to Mozart, his brain will eventually be reprogrammed to make the right decisions.

Anyway, you can tell today was a long day.

Thank God, my boss is a woman. I will be enjoying my day at work tomorrow.

We need more women involved in the boardrooms, politics and the public services…let’s get out there and really run this thing!

Pumps and Power,

Ama

Barren Places

Barren Places

Sometime in the month of May, I prayed, “Lord, please keep me from walking in barren places”

I am not exactly sure when, but without pain and the sense of loss, I believe the Spirit of God answered that prayer in the sweetest possible way. He supernaturally excised my appetite for worthless, sensationalized TV shows, listening to the talking heads on the endless cycle of cable news, wasting time on celebrity crazed media news, online forums, frivolous distractions and anything that was unproductive.
He essentially replaced my throne of doom and waste – my black leather couch – with an inner hunger for Him, reading, writing, listening to music but most importantly silence and quiet.

My life has totally changed. I am writing more, inspired by just being focused on the right things. I am not the same person I was before May. I look back at the hours I spent especially on the weekends watching re-runs of American’s Next Top Model, The Game, The Kardarshians, Friends, How I met your Mother, House Hunters, Law and Order, Extra Virgin, Say Yes to the Dress, Cake Boss, LisaRaye the real Macoy, the “Housewives” of all the cities represented on TV Land, Good Eats, The best thing I ever ate, How winning the Lottery changed my life, I even snuck in a few episodes of Bad Girls, Holly’s World and Kendra!!

The list is endless but you can certainly see how I wasted every second of my day in barren places! We tend to forget how LOUD the world is with everything screaming for a piece of us that we get swamped with life,  just going through the motions…like zombies and not consciously living.
God engineered us at the core to create and increase. We are not garbage cans for all the unending trash made accessible in the world, media and via technology.

Since I am a believer rooted in the most fertile and flourishing place of God’s grace, there is no excuse for living a barren, fruitless life. I have His covenant-blessing, His word, the anointing, the power in the name and blood of Jesus, the Holy Spirit living in me and the calling of the Father to bear the fruit of miracles, love, peace and joy!

Barren PlacesThe cursed fig tree in the Bible is a picture of an unproductive person. The foliage may look evergreen, but the core is hollow like dead wood.

Our lives can get stagnant in the black hole of unfulfilled dreams, but like the prodigal son, anyone who comes back home will find the Father with arms open wide, waiting on the porch. He squints, searching for a glimpse of any wandering soul. God wants to restore our destiny and redeem any wasted time.

This post about barren places is to remind me and maybe you, to get busy with our lives. Resolve to lay aside distractions, get off the couch and go do something.

Walk your path; Be fruitful and multiply,
Ama